The Secret Stand Up of Alex Mac

My new mission in life is to prevent scurvy. It is known by many names. Barlow's disease. Cheadle's disease. Moeller's disease. Pirate AIDs. Miami’s Black Plague. That thing that is up with Edward James Olmos’ skin. The point is that Scurvy is also known by a new name: swine flu. We brought it upon ourselves by not feeding enough limes to our pigs. To combat this threat we must be prepared for tangy bacon, bitter bologna, and sour ham hocks! 

 The utterance of these names has caused men more brave than I and robots programmed with no emotion to scream like a marsupial that had discovered that he has no pouch. “Where will I put all my chewing gum, condoms, and various trinkets?!” he cries out to the cold and foreboding world. “And why do I suddenly have Scorbutic gums and Psoraisiform hyperplasia?”

The answer is surprisingly simple. Ye doth need more Vitamin-C in yer diet! There are multiple things that you can eat which will prevent Scurvy and get you all of your required daily dosage of Vitamin-C.  All of which can be found in your local supermarché! Lemons, Limes, Oranges, Grapefuits, other people who don’t have Scurvy. With enough money, you can purchase any of these things. Or with enough guile you can steal them. Or with a high enough persuasion skill and a skill check, you may be able to convince someone to give them to you. This last option is particularly easier if you have a bear on a chain or a gun that can shoot flaming tires. Nothing says “Help me or die!” like a bear on a chain or flaming tires!

But wait! Isn’t Scurvy a problem for people on ships and large Spanish galleons adrift on the Triangle Trade? We don’t use boats anymore. Those were clumsy and random. Cars are the transportation for a more civilized age. Well, you would be right. We no longer do our slave trading by boat but by cars! Specifically vans and trucks. But if you add a sail to any of those, they begin to look awfully like a boat. So, fill you gas tank with oranges! And slaves (or indentured servants)! Kill two birds with one small, cramped compartment! If anyone objects, hit them with your oranges! Problem solved. They don’t even leave bruises. Why should you listen to me when I am obviously mad? Because I look good in a pair of Ray-Bans and can name at least three different types of cheeses, that’s why! I look better than Tom Cruise did in Top Gun and I know what parmesan is! Which is apparently all that is required for a PhD these days.

-Dr. Alex Mac. DDS