Dear Monster Drink:
You and I have a beef to settle, friend. Now, before I begin I want to let you know that I still think you are a good person. Everything seems more exciting when you’re around and I really appreciate it. But our relationship as of late has been a little rocky and I feel that we need to act like adults and talk about it. No hard feelings. I just can’t lie to myself any longer. It is tearing my heart in two. And I need that. Otherwise, I’m no better than Pinocchio: a heartless puppet. Do you know where he is now? He’s the Craigslist Killer. And I hope they catch him. I need the firewood.
Monster Drink, I’ve never understood what crack addicts feel like until now. You give me the jitters. And I’m not talking about the nervous jitters of the various virgins during the feast of Thorrablot but the straight up Michael J. Fox “We’ve gotta go back to the Island, Kate!” jitters. The twitches are getting noticeable. Just this morning, I hit a small child with a wooden chair. In my rage, I tried to create a fire by rubbing it with another chair. I am told that when forced to explain myself to the authorities I simple sated: “Boy Scouts!”
Additionally, I am worried because I don’t fully understand what you are. To my understanding you are either a drink FOR monsters, which means that our love is clearly forbidden. Or you are a drink FROM monsters. Now, I think this one is the more likely. After all, you seem to simply be a can filled with monster piss. This worries me to no end: if you are monster piss (as your color would suggest), why do you taste so good? Where do you come from, Monster Drink? And what kind of a game are you trying to pull? My piss is now the same color as you. This is even more frightening. Does this now make me a monster? If you came from a monster and made me a monster, am I simply perpetuating the cycle? Am I making more monster drink? The connotations are sinister to say the least.
Lastly, why haven’t you started a large marketing campaign with the upcoming “Where the Wild Things Are” movie? It seems like a smart idea. I mean, it is rare to see monsters get a film where the whole cast is monsters. Particularly ones who don’t just play servants, gang members or some sort of anachronistic shaman or voodoo priestess. I am glad to see that we are finally moving beyond that dark chapter in our nation’s history. I hear that some fresh-faced monster senator from Illinois is making a lot of commotion lately and that the Demonstercratic Party might want to put him forward as their candidate. Good for you monster drink. But why not seize on this moment and talk to Spike Jonze about his movie. I am sure he would love to have you.
Until then, I just need some time to sort things out. No hard feelings,Monster Drink.
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