Greetings Past Dwellers!
I have come with tidings from the Future. It is the year 2011. The Future is a fantastic place, ye olde time tenants, let me tell you! Everything you can’t imagine is real. Corn Dogs are sentient and are popular house hold pets, particularly in Nebraska and the Irish countryside. Cars are now called “Mobile Non Sex Time Pods.” We no longer sweat, we cry through our skin. Bathrooms now come in pill form. Robots are common place and are largely responsible for the revival of Jherri curls. You haven’t lived until you’ve gotten a massage from a cupcake dispensing robot adorned with Jherri curls. Literally. You haven’t lived. We changed the definition of “alive.” If you die before getting your government mandated robotmassage, it is considered an abortion. And it is 100% legal. Only the strong survive a robotmassage.
“How is this so?” you ask. (I knew you would ask it. I’m from the florpin’ Future!) Well, after Barack Obama ascended into the Heavens to help Bhudda with some calculus homework, the power vaccum was filled by the violent duo of Her Royale (with Cheese) Highness Mila Jovovich and her loyal servant Leonard Maltin. Using a complex rating system, Maltin rated all of the nation’s problems on a scale from Five Stars to "Stuff We Gots To Fix". In the now infamous “Operation Wicker Man”, Her Royale (with Cheese) Highness Jovovich proceeded to punch all of those problems into Asia, all the while looking sexy while doing it. As a result, the land you know as “Russia” is only called “The Mayonnaise Swamp”. You’ll understand when it happens. All I’m saying is that you should put a lot of money on “Madea goes to Jail” if you are betting on the Oscars. Also, you might want to learn a few magic tricks. We no longer pay for goods and services with your outdated concept of money. Your value will be measured in smiles and confused children.
But I’ve spoken long enough for now. I don’t want to risk ripping the space-time continuum as new asshole. It already has 7. And that is 6 too many.
May Patrick Stewart's Voice ring through your ears and fill your heart with Lust,
-Time Bandito #24601
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