I can tell by the look on your face that you are confused. Well, technically it is the look on my face. Let me explain first. Well, you are my clone. My less sexy clone. Indeed, we look the same except for the fact that you are cross eyed. There were complications in the cloning process that lead to some irreparable damages during your formation. Now, I need you to promise not to be upset if I tell you why. Promise? Pinky Promise? Good.
Well, first of all it is very expensive to clone someone when you are living on a meager income. As such, certain shortcuts needed to be taken in the cloning process. The most effective one taken was in the selection of where we were to obtain the DNA sample. It is a little known fact about cloning that all it requires is an EasyBake Oven, some tenacity, and a single hair. We obtained our hair sample from my ass.
You are probably wondering why I cloned you from my ass hair. Certainly, there are plenty of other places to get hair. You would be correct. However, once we look at this logically, you will agree that my decision was well reasoned even if now you look like you are pepetually solving a very hard math problem. First, why not the hair from my head? That seems like the best place. Well, you would be wrong. Cloning is complex. If any of my choices were simple, my clone would be simple as well. Would you have liked that? Being simple? Living on a farm in Arkansas and working the dull dust of the land, hoping that one day you might be able to grow some corn? I think not. No, you were meant for a more exciting life. You were cloned to be my stunt double in case I ever date a Sadist. Your life is the glorious life of a gimp. I will not deny you such a glorious existence!
So, normal hair was out of the question. Why not use nose hair? Well, to be quite frank: I just didn't want to even risk it. Nose hair plucking is a highly dangerous process much in the vein of bomb diffusal. Also, it hurts. It really hurts. The nose is sensative for a reason and I can only assume that it is God's way of saying "Don't make your clones using nose hair!" And I don't want to anger God. I just want to play God.
By now we were running a bit low on potential places to get hair from. If we used armpit hair, you would not be a man right now. You would be a small Bernese Mountain Dog. Yes, I am afraid to admit that my armpit hair is not my own. Ever since I was in a freak "Let's See How Close I Can Get This Zippo To My Armpit" accident. And I assume that my potential dominatrix girlfriend wants a human gimp and not a doggie gimp. Who knows? Maybe she would enjoy both but my job is to make reasonable decisions and a doggie gimp is somewhere in the catagory of "Circumstantially Reasonable to Assume as a Sexual Fetish" than "Reasonable to Assume as a Sexual Fetish."
What did that leave? Pubic hair? I am afraid that would be impossible. I only get Brazillian Waxes and I only get on every fith vernal equinox. I wasn't going to use my chest hair since the only chest hair I have creates a tiny "happy trail" down towards my Grudel (which I have somewhat affectionately and playfully nicknamed "Grendel"). That left one place only. My ass.
Now, I have answered your question. Please stop drooling everywhere.
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