I have been given a tiny wooden katana. From Japan. What now? How can you threaten me when I can cut through your dreams? This is Hattori Hanzo wood, my friend. Bullets, Baseballs, Bears, Babies, Barracudas, Barack Obama, Bodies of celestial light, Back Alley Abortionist, Bagels, Bridges to Terabithia, Butter, Blow jobs. This katana can cut through anything so long as it starts with the letter B.
And as long as we are talking about "Letter B", I will make it explicitly clear that I will not Let You Be! I've watched over 50,000 individual Japanese anime series! I know how to kill you in ways only a fucking crazy Asian with too much time on his hands can think of. I will cut a bi-plane in half, pick up the wings, and fly you into the Sun! I will cut off a bear's claws and make you into my personal hand puppet!
Too short of a range to be practical? Yes. And don't you forget it. Made of a material which can be easily broken? So are your bones! This wood has been lacquered. It has no equal.
Picture this:
A man approaches me. I have an expensive watch on, which also doubles as a calculator and tip percentage finder. He is exasperated and out of breath.
"Excuse me, sir? Do you know what time it is?" he asks, fearing that he is late for his 10th wedding anniversary dinner with his wife at TGI Friday's after missing the midtown bus to the strip mall due to a stop at the T-Shirt Bodega.
"Time for you to die." I say after finishing the last bite of my Muscle Milk bar.
F'Twang! I deftly cut through his brain! He should asked me when I was in a better mood, preferably after re watching The Princess Diaries on DVD. Too bad he caught me on a day when I was watching Pocahontas IV: Grandmother Willow's Revenge.
I am going to film this and every other kill. I will sell the collection on VHS, calling it Tiny Sword: You Killed My Father, Prepare to Die! I will sleep with it under my pillow so I can practice safe sex. I will not open bathroom stalls. I will cut them open along with your bowels. When I am arrested, I will hide the Tiny Katana in mid air, pulling it out and cutting the bars of my cell. Their reinforced steal will melt like melty stuff before my blade.
Consider this a warning. A Declaration of Bad Ass-ipendence. I may as well be the wind at your back or the steam rising off your coffee cup. I will strike suddenly. I will employ explosive powders. And I will become the greatest Pokemon Master ever. And by Pokemon Master, I mean that I will cut off your balls and throw them at animals and pretend that I am capturing them.
I will be seeing you soon. You will not be seeing me.
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