I am slowly getting vexed. I am too short to adequately reach my mailbox. How am I to retrieve my parcels and correspondences? I have tried everything from step ladders and platform shoes but I cannot help thinking that people are lauging at me. It might have to do with the fact that I keep hearing laughter when I go out in public. If only they knew how important it was that I get my mail. It might look like old issues of Rolling Stone and money that my parents send me but it actually is my next orders and my allotted $20 to spend on weapons and bribes. See, they wouldn't be laughing if they knew the truth. I mean, they'd be like "Oh wow, that's cool." and I'd be like "I can't let you know the truth." BAM!
But for like 5 seconds, I would be the coolest guy around! Why can't they understand that these platform shows are only temporarty until I can get a midget riding a dumbwaiter installed? They probably think I like walking around like this and having birds nest in my afro. "Why an afro?", some of you say. Well, I wasn't just going to wear the platform shoes without completing the look. It's like the book Black Like Me except I'm an assassin! Sure it shocked them when one day I was a small, white man named Alex Mac and the next day I was a tall, black man named Alex Mac but I think they are getting used to it. I bet you this is how Robery Downey Jr. felt when filming Tropic Thunder.
Its been really hard since I havn't been able to use my $20 munitions money for any weapons beyond a box of plastic knives. The rest has been going to my Midget on a Dumbwaiter fund. Do you know how expensive it is to hire a midget on a dumbwaiter? $250,378! At a rate of 20 dollars a month plus payment for each assassination it will take me about thirty years to raise that kind of money. Thank Zeus that midgets stay small. I swear if I open that box and he is not still a "Moderately Short 8 Year Old" size, I will be so angry.
For that matter, do you know how long it takes to kill someone with a plastic knife?
This is frustrating on so many levels. But I know all my investments will pay off when I am a moderately tall white assassin disguised as black assassin with a killer afro who has a midget in a dumbwaiter get his mail every morning.
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