Bryan Waterman started an animated film a long time ago and got Leslie Nielsen to voice one of the main characters.

This is a project that is very dear in his heart and a project I have been wanting to see completed for some time. I'm not asking you to do anything but the movie has a page at Kickstarter.com, where we're trying to gather donations for the film. The goal is $35,000 but anyone can pledge any amount. Better still, you don't have to pay the money if the project does not reach its donation goal.

Check out the project's page on Kickstarter!

Hello? Hi, yes. My name is Falcon Bigsby and I was told that you do glamour shots, is that true? It is. Wonderful!  You see, I'm auditioning for a really big movie part. It is going to be the first movie I've done since Free Willy and I just wanted to- Hmm? What part? I'm trying to get the lead in this new George Washington Caver biopic called Carver: Three Hundred Uses for Peanuts and Hundreds More for Soybeans, Pecans and Sweet Potatoes: Part Two: The Search for Amneris' Tomb.

I need a really good headshot and I don't trust my friend Darleen anymore ever since she got the Whooping Cough from her dog. I just was wondering if you had a few things. I want a dull gray backdrop, okay? Something that will really seem exciting and dynamic. But I want some light around my head since the image I am going for is sort of a Jesus meets Malibu from American Gladiators vibe. You can do that? Awesome.

Also, I am going to need a cat. A black one. I need something that screams "This guy can play Carver" and nothing seems better for than than a cat. Stuff with peanut butter. Yes, yes. I know that you're not going to be able to tell that it is stuffed with peanut butter in the photo but just do what I ask. Can you do that? Great.

I will be over there in thirty minutes. Also, do you like imitation gator meat?I got a whole bunch that is going to bad soon. A gator killed your nephew? That's cool. Alright, I gotta go. I'm really looking forward to this glamour shot.

Not to be confused with the famous Mass based artist MC Chowda....

-   Jack Sparrow wants to know why all the rum is gone.

-    Ah, a mystical Irish/Spanish woman.  Of course!

-   Hunt for Red October wants its trope back.

-      “Every answer I give will simply lead to another question.” “Damn, straight.”





-     Congratulations, it’s a healthy, baby smoke monster!

-     I’m not sure if that lady understands how an abortion works.

-    This mom really hates board games. I can only imagine what would happen if  they found ‘Mouse Trap’.

-     You know who else was special? WAAAAALLLLLTTTTT!

-     She could have just given the thing to him instead of hiding it in the sand.

-      *Insert “Boar Games” joke here*

-   And thus, we learn the ancient origins of the blindfold…

-   Alright, who peed in my river?

-   I love how my dawning sense of understanding is also supplemented by an increasing question of “How does that work?”.

-    Hold on a second while I stand under this spotlight in the middle of the jungle.

-   Did she just say she was going to show MiB where he came from? Ghost rape is not cool, fellas.

-     Meanwhile, back at the Amish village, MiB has learned to harness the power of soot.

-     If you’re hungry, these rocks should be ready in about thirty minutes.

-   So, all I need in order to time travel is a wheel and some light. Cool. I’m off to visit Rutherford B. Hayes.

-       I’m back. Turns out that he’s a dick. Go figure.

-     Oh, hey! They were the dead bodies. That explains…very little.

-    That episode was....lacking.

Sometimes I wonder why I have not randomly inherited a chocolate factory ala Charlie Bucket until I realize that I totally would have sold that everlasting gobstopper to Slugworth. Curse you, Wonka, and your duplicitous machinations! You see, the tricky thing is knowing when to wait and how it will pay off. Still at the height of those transitional moments between being responsible and not, I've been trying my best to be productive in comedy, much to my general annoyance when I do little but write and the very occasional open mic. It is actually much harder to do stuff you want when there is a whole lot of stuff you have to do. In fact, the only big thing to happen this year at college was the show with the Michaels in the winter. This summer is a big one in terms of overcoming the stagnancy hurdle that has plague me for some time now. I'm turning 21. No more wriggling through hoops to do shows, which means that I should be able to really get some work in on sets. That is, as long as I am not gainfully employed.

You see, I'm learning that the world has this weird rule: you have to pay for shit. Food, housing, casual sex, and more, it all apparently is stuff you need to have enough dollars to get. So, I am currently on the job hunt. Once this is all set, I will know my schedule and document my failure here on the website! My hope is that it will be spectacular. However, now that I don't need to worry about things like "College" and "Not Getting Laid" and only need to worry about "Not Being Too Poor", I think it is best to outline some goals for the summer, which I will struggle to accomplish because I am a sloth:

1. Write an additional solid 10.
2. Use the summer time to do at least one set a week if possible.
3. Become more comfortable in a club setting, hopefully with a few more spots at Mottley's and the Comedy Studio in Boston.
4.Write one comedy piece a week for my website, maybe attempt video/audio entries.
5. Networking, networking, networking!
6. ???
7. PROFIT!

Using this vaguely outlined 7 step process, it is my hope to create content and comedy for any of you crazy people who still seem to be visiting this site. Oh yeah, that and bar-tending school. Yep. Definitely bar-tending school.

-Alex

PS. Check back tonight as I do a live update of this weeks episode of LOST. You know, just to prove that I'm not a nerd.

"Why hasn't anyone ever tried it?" asks Dave Lizewski (portrayed by Aaron Johnson) at the start of Kick Ass. Probably because it is not as easy as it seems. Within minutes of his first attempt to stop crime (as the eponymous Kick Ass), Lizewski ends up beaten, stabbed, and hit by car. His next attempt goes a lot better. Well, at least he kind of saves a guy and doesn't get too much shit kicked out of him. Oh, that and he becomes an overnight internet sensation who kicks off a real life super hero craze that comes with a whole lot of consequences.

Igniting the ire of crime lord Frank D'Amico, Kick Ass finds himself over his head and the target of a massive scheme designed to unmask and kill him. The only thing is that he's not the one who is causing D'Amico his trouble. Turns out there are two more masked vigilantes in town, Big Daddy (an ex cop framed by D'Amico for drug charges) and Hit Girl (his ten year old daughter), played by Nicolas Cage and Chloë Moretz. Carving a bloody path through crime, the pair set out on a quest of vengeance against D'Amico, who ignorantly places the blame on Lizewski/Kick Ass. What follows then is a violent romp through the city as Kick Ass, Big Daddy, and Hit Girl all eventually become targets of the mobster and his son.

I wasn't sure what to expect at first when I saw the trailer for Kick Ass. The tone seemed a lot more light than Mark Millar's comic book deconstruction, which although colorful, was a fairly brutal look at what being a costumed vigilante would really mean. To an extent, I was right. The movie adaptation of Kick Ass is more optimistic than the comic. Lizewski gets his life long crush, Katie, in the end and Big Daddy is not simply a bored accountant who sociopathically trains his daughter to be a killer for no reason and the relationship with his daughter is much more sympathy.

That relationship runs away with the film once it starts. Big Daddy and Hit Girl are so amazingly capable and entertaining to watch that you almost forget that at its heart, the relationship is one where a father goes as far to shoot his own daughter to prepare her for her role as a heartless killer. Yet, somehow, Cage and Moretz make it work. There is a true sense of warmth between the two. Cage hams it up as Big Daddy, conjuring masterful merge between Adam West and Will Shatner when in costume and giving a more reserved performance out. Moretz, however, is certainly the one to floor the audience. Approaching the subject matter so frankly, it is almost easy to forget that she is a child. Especially as she decimates her enemies. Aaron Johnson may give a nice performances as Kick Ass but Cage and Moretz make the film what it is.

And what is it?The film is a masterful dance of death, with a tongue in cheek tone that approaches its subject matter with an almost irreverent take while also presenting starkly. Casual slaughters and heavy moments are punctuated by just as many legitimately funny moments. Both Deconstruction and Reconstruction of the the super hero myth, Kick Ass is a mixture of Kill Bill and The Dark Knight and Mystery Men. Brutal, honest, and engaging. It is a must see.

Bottom Line: Kick Ass is a wonderfully wild look at superheroism. Stark, yet funny, it is a schizophrenic master piece. You would be wise to embrace the madness.

Disclaimer: Some of this might seem arrogant or self absorbed. However, considering that I was involved in the show, it is going to be hard to detach from everything. Ideally, this will be a nice little look into a personal experience of mine.
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A week ago, Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter came to Providence College to perform a comedy for the institution’s alumni weekend. Prior to this, I had received indication that one of the improv troupes I am a part of was approached by alumni relations to open for the comedians. Naturally, my reaction was one of mixed amazement and fear. I had opened for comedians before in an improv capacity but it was in smaller venues and with less well known individuals. Individuals like Tony V. or Delocated’s Brian Kiley. This time around, the stakes seemed higher. Not only were we opening for comedians who are deeply entrenched in the alternative scene but in the improv/sketch scene as well. Justifiably, I wondered whether or not we were ready. Besides, the whole billing had not been set in stone. I decided to keep things on the down low here, even though I was excited and wanted to brag a bit. Mostly because nothing had been confirmed. That wouldn’t come until we spoke with Michael and Michael’s agent. Once we did, we had everything set. We would open for them.

I wasn’t completely swayed still, excited as I was. I felt it still was not the best idea, even if my own mind told me it would be something I would be able to put on my comedy resume. It felt like a struggling acoustic act from Akron somehow convincing Rush to let them open for them. It was a coup to be sure. But would we be able to handle the responsibility and trust that we’d been given? Perhaps I am being overdramatic but I really was going into this with a lot of anxiety. In the long run, no one would recall us or me but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to do the best I could.

The night of the show came. The troupe showed up for an early mic check and to warm up. The location? A large open field house with maybe 400 seats. More than any show that I was used to, to be sure. “Backstage” was a few racket ball courts. A room for Mr. Showalter, a room for Mr. Ian Black, and one for the improv troupe. We practiced for a bit before Michael Ian Black showed up eventually followed by Showalter

Meeting any of your heroes is an odd experience. It never quite goes the way that you think it will. Odd scenarios play out in your head filled with lifelong friendships being forged over a line of shared cocaine or something else equally ridiculous. In reality, it is filled with sweaty palms, muttered half phrases, and a heart rate that would kill anyone with a preexisting condition. To be honest, I felt like a fool but did get to talk one on one with both of them. They were accommodating and very open. I got to ask Michael Ian Black about his recent appearances at the SF Sketchfest for a bit and say hello to Showalter. Showalter himself was a bit more removed. He liked to wander around a lot before the show. It was really interesting warming up with my troupe in one of the courts only to look up and see him looking down through one of the observation windows.

But none of this answers how the show itself was. To quickly go over our opening, it was…average at best. It is one thing to perform in front of nearly half a thousand people. It is a whole different ball game when none of those half a thousand care who you or what you are doing on the stage. As such, we did alright. A quick 15 minute set with a few good laughs punctuating a sort of bemused tolerance of our escapades. Better than I could have hoped for but not the amazing show that I had fantasized about in the days preceding the show. Enough to get some compliments from people after the show, at least individually on my part, but not enough that I would willingly delude myself into saying that we killed. We set a nice table but the audience had come to eat a meal.

And the Michaels delivered in every way possible. Opening with a long conversation into recent events on the Providence campus including a mysterious benefactor who handed out condoms to residence halls on campus since the Catholic institution refuses to give them out themselves and a recent bit of trouble with a chapter of “Youth for Western Civilization” (a nationally based borderline hate group), the Michaels effortlessly riffed on school’s image. After this, it descended into all sorts of realms. The tragedy of the fact that Showalter’s girlfriend (who we later found out was Beyonce) had literally no butt but “Invisibility cloak butt.” Or the how Ian Black’s daughter was ill prepared for going to school. “I asked her if she knew what a bully was and she said no, so I pushed her down the stairs and called here a faggot.” Interspersed between these exchanges was footage of a FOX morning show interview the pair had done to promote their show on Comedy Central. The morning show host treats Ian Black like a genius because she has seen him on VH1 while Showalter is treated like a man-child. Though the Moose print sweater he wore throughout probably didn’t help when it came time for the pair to assist in a cooking section of the program. “Michael, you can hold on to this cinnamon.” “Am I holding the cinnamon goood?!”

The greatest thing about this show were the moments when you could tell that the Michaels were playing around with each other. Those small seconds where an unplanned laugh or a small glint in their eyes clued you into their improv. Watching two experts at their craft was an amazing experience. After the show, I was able to meet up with the Michaels and thank them one more time for coming to my school and granting me an amazing opportunity. I had my copy of “My Custom Van” signed while another friend had their DVD set of the State autographed “to Marcus…”

Overall, it was the most humbling, exciting, frightening, painful, and amazing experience I can recall in recent years. And I thank whatever force allowed it to happen.

  I was a bit hesitant to really say that the lineup had become official but I had been giving a strong indication for some time that the improv troupe that I am a member of was going to open for Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter when they came to Providence College this month. Well, after some communication between their agent and the college, it would seem that it is official. We are opening for Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter on Friday, January 22nd! Tickets can be purchased through Providence College’s main website (www.providence.edu) by using their events tab. The show will take place in the Peterson Recreation Center. 9:00 PM, Doors open at 8. $20 per ticket online, $25 door.

As the day draws closer, I will have more information and a write up of the show the day after!

This is all you need to know .

Two months since I’ve updated and it has been two months of creative stagnation the likes of which I’ve never seen. At least on the comedy front. It is a very weird thing to have a huge passion for something and either the lack of time to cultivate it or creativity to really build upon what you’ve already done. But that is not really important. New Year’s I made a resolution that I’ve sort of failed to follow up on because, let’s face it, sleeping feels awesome. Basically, it is to make this year a far more active one in terms of comedy. That means more performances, more writing, and generally just trying to spend as much time as possible building on what I’ve set out to do.

And now is a more important time than ever since opportunity seems to constantly be rearing its head. The biggest news is that my improv troupe at college may or may not be opening for a comedy show headlined by Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter. Not really something that is related to my own stand up but it is something that could be an amazing experience if it happens.

But with constant chances to impress or learn come plenty of chances to mess up and to avoid that, I need to up my creative input as much as possible. In order to ensure this, I have pondered the following measures:

-Hire a personal concubine who gives me a blowjob after I write a full sentence. By now I could have had at least 11 blowjobs and a few half jobs for sentence fragments.

-Place a key to a room inside a safe and lock myself in that room with the safe. Give myself 2 hours to write a small novella or pamphlet. The safe only opens if I have a word count of 20,000 or higher. If I fail, the door locks forever until Danny Glover finds my dead body.

-Clone myself but make sure that the clones have a shortened lifespan. Force them to remain at typewriters all day long and lord the formula that will extend their life over them like some weird Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir. That’ll to the trick sir!

- Visit the evil scheming magician Dr. Facilier and exchange my soul for the ability to extemporaneously come up with material in a way that would make even the best Jazz improviser look like an idiot child.

-Offer Joss Whedon a writing position... in my mind. He’ll need something to do now that Dollhouse is done.  Hopefully he’ll give me Firefly quality and not Titan A.E.

Any of these seems like a viable measure to take. Once implemented, I am sure that they will help move things along nicely. Look forward to more creative output (which may or may not be on the level of Kurt Vonnegut. Let’s just say that it will probably be a little below that level to begin with). Overall, I am looking to make this a big year. Or at least a more active one.