I have been given a tiny wooden katana. From Japan. What now? How can you threaten me when I can cut through your dreams? This is Hattori Hanzo wood, my friend. Bullets, Baseballs, Bears, Babies, Barracudas, Barack Obama, Bodies of celestial light, Back Alley Abortionist, Bagels, Bridges to Terabithia, Butter, Blow jobs. This katana can cut through anything so long as it starts with the letter B.
And as long as we are talking about "Letter B", I will make it explicitly clear that I will not Let You Be! I've watched over 50,000 individual Japanese anime series! I know how to kill you in ways only a fucking crazy Asian with too much time on his hands can think of. I will cut a bi-plane in half, pick up the wings, and fly you into the Sun! I will cut off a bear's claws and make you into my personal hand puppet!
Too short of a range to be practical? Yes. And don't you forget it. Made of a material which can be easily broken? So are your bones! This wood has been lacquered. It has no equal.
Picture this:
A man approaches me. I have an expensive watch on, which also doubles as a calculator and tip percentage finder. He is exasperated and out of breath.
"Excuse me, sir? Do you know what time it is?" he asks, fearing that he is late for his 10th wedding anniversary dinner with his wife at TGI Friday's after missing the midtown bus to the strip mall due to a stop at the T-Shirt Bodega.
"Time for you to die." I say after finishing the last bite of my Muscle Milk bar.
F'Twang! I deftly cut through his brain! He should asked me when I was in a better mood, preferably after re watching The Princess Diaries on DVD. Too bad he caught me on a day when I was watching Pocahontas IV: Grandmother Willow's Revenge.
I am going to film this and every other kill. I will sell the collection on VHS, calling it Tiny Sword: You Killed My Father, Prepare to Die! I will sleep with it under my pillow so I can practice safe sex. I will not open bathroom stalls. I will cut them open along with your bowels. When I am arrested, I will hide the Tiny Katana in mid air, pulling it out and cutting the bars of my cell. Their reinforced steal will melt like melty stuff before my blade.
Consider this a warning. A Declaration of Bad Ass-ipendence. I may as well be the wind at your back or the steam rising off your coffee cup. I will strike suddenly. I will employ explosive powders. And I will become the greatest Pokemon Master ever. And by Pokemon Master, I mean that I will cut off your balls and throw them at animals and pretend that I am capturing them.
I will be seeing you soon. You will not be seeing me.
I am slowly getting vexed. I am too short to adequately reach my mailbox. How am I to retrieve my parcels and correspondences? I have tried everything from step ladders and platform shoes but I cannot help thinking that people are lauging at me. It might have to do with the fact that I keep hearing laughter when I go out in public. If only they knew how important it was that I get my mail. It might look like old issues of Rolling Stone and money that my parents send me but it actually is my next orders and my allotted $20 to spend on weapons and bribes. See, they wouldn't be laughing if they knew the truth. I mean, they'd be like "Oh wow, that's cool." and I'd be like "I can't let you know the truth." BAM!
But for like 5 seconds, I would be the coolest guy around! Why can't they understand that these platform shows are only temporarty until I can get a midget riding a dumbwaiter installed? They probably think I like walking around like this and having birds nest in my afro. "Why an afro?", some of you say. Well, I wasn't just going to wear the platform shoes without completing the look. It's like the book Black Like Me except I'm an assassin! Sure it shocked them when one day I was a small, white man named Alex Mac and the next day I was a tall, black man named Alex Mac but I think they are getting used to it. I bet you this is how Robery Downey Jr. felt when filming Tropic Thunder.
Its been really hard since I havn't been able to use my $20 munitions money for any weapons beyond a box of plastic knives. The rest has been going to my Midget on a Dumbwaiter fund. Do you know how expensive it is to hire a midget on a dumbwaiter? $250,378! At a rate of 20 dollars a month plus payment for each assassination it will take me about thirty years to raise that kind of money. Thank Zeus that midgets stay small. I swear if I open that box and he is not still a "Moderately Short 8 Year Old" size, I will be so angry.
For that matter, do you know how long it takes to kill someone with a plastic knife?
This is frustrating on so many levels. But I know all my investments will pay off when I am a moderately tall white assassin disguised as black assassin with a killer afro who has a midget in a dumbwaiter get his mail every morning.
I can tell by the look on your face that you are confused. Well, technically it is the look on my face. Let me explain first. Well, you are my clone. My less sexy clone. Indeed, we look the same except for the fact that you are cross eyed. There were complications in the cloning process that lead to some irreparable damages during your formation. Now, I need you to promise not to be upset if I tell you why. Promise? Pinky Promise? Good.
Well, first of all it is very expensive to clone someone when you are living on a meager income. As such, certain shortcuts needed to be taken in the cloning process. The most effective one taken was in the selection of where we were to obtain the DNA sample. It is a little known fact about cloning that all it requires is an EasyBake Oven, some tenacity, and a single hair. We obtained our hair sample from my ass.
You are probably wondering why I cloned you from my ass hair. Certainly, there are plenty of other places to get hair. You would be correct. However, once we look at this logically, you will agree that my decision was well reasoned even if now you look like you are pepetually solving a very hard math problem. First, why not the hair from my head? That seems like the best place. Well, you would be wrong. Cloning is complex. If any of my choices were simple, my clone would be simple as well. Would you have liked that? Being simple? Living on a farm in Arkansas and working the dull dust of the land, hoping that one day you might be able to grow some corn? I think not. No, you were meant for a more exciting life. You were cloned to be my stunt double in case I ever date a Sadist. Your life is the glorious life of a gimp. I will not deny you such a glorious existence!
So, normal hair was out of the question. Why not use nose hair? Well, to be quite frank: I just didn't want to even risk it. Nose hair plucking is a highly dangerous process much in the vein of bomb diffusal. Also, it hurts. It really hurts. The nose is sensative for a reason and I can only assume that it is God's way of saying "Don't make your clones using nose hair!" And I don't want to anger God. I just want to play God.
By now we were running a bit low on potential places to get hair from. If we used armpit hair, you would not be a man right now. You would be a small Bernese Mountain Dog. Yes, I am afraid to admit that my armpit hair is not my own. Ever since I was in a freak "Let's See How Close I Can Get This Zippo To My Armpit" accident. And I assume that my potential dominatrix girlfriend wants a human gimp and not a doggie gimp. Who knows? Maybe she would enjoy both but my job is to make reasonable decisions and a doggie gimp is somewhere in the catagory of "Circumstantially Reasonable to Assume as a Sexual Fetish" than "Reasonable to Assume as a Sexual Fetish."
What did that leave? Pubic hair? I am afraid that would be impossible. I only get Brazillian Waxes and I only get on every fith vernal equinox. I wasn't going to use my chest hair since the only chest hair I have creates a tiny "happy trail" down towards my Grudel (which I have somewhat affectionately and playfully nicknamed "Grendel"). That left one place only. My ass.
Now, I have answered your question. Please stop drooling everywhere.
I am at a loss at how to proceed with this review. Not because I am speechless, that is for certain. I have quite a bit to say. The issue when one has so much to say is that they often do not know where to begin or how to say everything they want. And perhaps that is the largest flaw present in Watchmen. Alan Moore's graphic novel is so multilayered, so intensely deep an exploration of the medium and themes which he is interested in, that the translation to film cannot be a simple one. Indeed, Watchmen was the only graphic novel to appear on Time's 2005 list of "the 100 best English-language novels from 1923 to the present". A list which included authors from George Orwell to Joseph Heller, Thornton Wilder to Anthony Burgess.
Watchmen as a graphic novel, is a stark deconstruction of the medium. With traditional expectations continually subverted and character archetypes that run counter to those usually found within the world of text bubbles and art panels. Moore ( also the mind behind the political tale V for Vendetta) specifically structured his plot to the method in which it would be presented. How does one, then, translate that specific artistic sensabilty to an entirely new medium? The Wachowski Brothers attempted this with their film adaptation of V for Vendetta and the result was mixed at best. What we got was a relevent tale in a post 9-11, Bush administration world. What we did not get was Moore's vision. Indeed, the film was such a slap in the face to Moore that he personally abducted all rights to his share of money from any film based off one of his works.
The answer was to recruit a director who had garnered acclaim for faithful comic book adaptations. Coming off the success of 300, director Zack Snyder took up the helms. I often find myself torn in opinion over Snyder. He is clearly a a highly effective visual artist, as 300 demonstrated and is able to treat his subject material with due respect as seen in his remake of Dawn of the Dead. However, looking back, I was blinded by the visual spectacle of 300 so much that I initially thought it was a good film when in reality it was a horrible, mindless piece of shit. Perhaps it was because better work had been done with Frank Miller's material in Sin City by Robert Rodriguez. Maybe the source material was just stronger in general. But look at 300: it was awful. Effective only visually. So, I feared that Snyder was only a capable visual artist because he was copying the visual art of others.
I must say that Watchmen dissuaded my fears and proved that Snyder is indeed able to use the promise he showed during Dawn of the Dead to make a well paced and intriguing film.
Which is no small task given the amount of material to cover. Clocking in at 163 minutes, Watchmen is not for the easily bored or those who may have thought the film was primarily an action piece. Fans will be captivated by the image of their favorite characters on the screen, while neophytes to the story might not fully follow. Let it be made clear: Watchmen, at its heart, is a character piece. A morality tale examining various ideologies. Expect your excitement to be tempered by expository examination into characters' origins, ways of thinking, and more.
And what a tale it is: set in an alternate history USA where masked heroes were a reality (until banned by the government), Nixon is in his fifth term after we triumphed in Vietnam, and the Cold War never really ended, Watchmen is part political thriller, part Raymond Chandler film noir, and part superhero movie. When Edward Blake (AKA The Comedian, a masked enforcer working for the US government. Played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is killed, rogue vigilante Rorschach (played by Jackie Earle Haley) heads up an investigation into who may have killed his fellow masked man. The search leads him deep into a world inhabited by former masked heroes, imminent nuclear war, and more. As all involved cope with humanity's race toward self destruction, it becomes clear that Blake's death is only part of a devious plot which will have global consequences.
In this tale, we are presented with 6 heroes (or are they villians?) who provide us with various ideological approaches with regards to how to save the world from thermonuclear conflict. The Comedian is a vicious, amoral enforcer who claims to be saving society "from themselves." He represent hedonism, reflecting the amorality he observes in society by parodying it. Jeffrey Morgan manages to give this character an amazingly sympathetic performance, painting a picture of a man torn by inner demons as he fights society on its own perverse terms. The outstanding cast member is Jackie Earle Haley as the masked investigator, Rorschach. His Rorschach fluctuates from hyper moral, conservative vigilante to a man who is clearly harboring a wealth of internal pain. He creates a distinct gruffness to his character when wearing his mask and a quiet intensity to the times when he is without his "face." Rorschach might be the most interesting of the "normal" individuals in the story. Fed up with the perversion in society, he does not add to the chaos like Blake but punishes all evil without question. Rorschach is the living embodiment of moral absolutism, a sociopathic enforcer of justice for whom all that matters in choice. Once you choose to commit crime, you are nothing more than filth to him, a black stain on society which must be wiped clean. Haley turns in an well nuanced interpretation, embracing Rorschach's darkness while also making his stance seem like one of the best to take. You can only admire his resolve and sympathize with his ideology even if it is one of the most violent and downright psychotic. Much of what he does is right, but his uncompromising conservatism also makes him often very wrong.
Adrian Veidt (played by Matthew Goode) is the supposedly the world's smartest man. His character is an embodiment of utilitarianism. Doing the most amount of good for the most amount of people. Goode is not the strongest actor but he does manage to carry the proper sadness in his character, who is essentially a consequentialist. Veidt (also know as Ozymandias) is not a starkly vicious character like The Comedian or Rorschach. He is a man with inner demons who wants to unite the world. All these characters are relatable, but lack the normalcy of Nite Owl and Silk Spectre (played by Patrick Wilson and Malin Akerman). Nite Owl is a man past his prime, for whom his costumed alter ego was a means to instill confidence in himself. Spectre carries with her the expectations of an overbearing mother who wanted her to follow hi her footsteps to fight crime. Both these characters are the most real. They are idealistic, as most of us would like to be. They are a mouthpiece for the common man and they are portrayed well by their actors, even if Akerman comes off as one of the weakest actors.
However, the most interesting character is Dr. Manhattan. he is the only real superhero in the piece. A man who after a freak accident, acquires god-like powers. He can bend matter to his will, teleport, and sees his own past and future non linearly. Detached from humanity due to his powers, he is decidedly nihilistic. Portrayed ( i.e. voiced and motion captured) by Billy Crudup, he is given the proper amount of coldness.
Watchmen, through these unique characters, presents a tightly woven story. Much credit must go to Alan Moore but equally to writers David Hayter and Alex Tse for such a reverent adaptation. Purist will find plenty to complain about and newcomers will likely get lost. Repeat viewings are warranted. And that might be the largest problem here: the story is simply too much to present concisely in film. The acting is strong with a few weak points and the visuals are downright astounding. However, these will not make up for excessive length in the minds of some viewers. As advised, enter prepared for exposition and be ready to process the information given to you. If you are looking for a more intellectual story, this is it. But be warned: Dark Knight it ain't.
Final Letter Grade: B+
Bottom Line: Watchmen is deeply thought provoking piece and strong adaptation of a difficult to translate source material. Visually amazing, the film is rounded out by actors who are invested in their characters, even if the talent level varies. Those put off by Snyder's atrocious 300 might find that this film provides something different and might help to re legitimize his reputation as a fresh, young director. Those expecting a flashy action movie will get their moments but this might be one to stay away from, even with the explosions and broken bones. You will enjoy it or downright hate it. View with caution, understanding that you will be in for a long and wordy ride. Especially if you are unfamiliar with the source material.
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